An Ode to Collingwood, Preseason 2020

[Woods]

An Ode to Collingwood, Preseason 2020

Buckley’s reading the philosophies of Kant and Hume and Locke,
To find a Whateley soundbite to excuse the Prelim shock.
He reads them all with furrowed brow to atone for twenty-nineteen,
A year he called a total waste and a pain that’s raw and keen.

But preseason brings us hope anew, and the boys are burning flab,
Tearing muscles on a training ground as hard as a concrete slab.
“It’s a perfect surface” say the medicos, Walsh, and Ed,
As the players grip their hammies and hobble to the sheds.

Some things are perennial during preseason at the Pies,
Like injuries and scandals and the players’ porky pies.
For Tay is in a moon boot and Stevo’s on the punt,
Crocker’s gone to Adelaide and Walshy’s still a c---.

Billy pissed in a rubbish bin and Jordy drove while drunk,
And Howie’s hand got Frisbeed - who would‘a thunk?
Now Cox is loping down the ground, kicking long to Flip,
While Beamer’s in the shower room tattooing Stevo’s dick.

Grundy’s grafting extra coin to be the Magpie ruck,
And holding out on contract terms - but seven years, WTF?
Aish is now at Freo, and Goldy’s gone to Port,
Murray’s out at Williamstown because of metabolised snort.

Clokey’s back at Pieland as a mentor to the team,
To show the players his goal-craft was better than it seemed.
When Checkers asks, “Hey, Travis, what’s the most difficult set shot?”
Cloke replies, “Twenty out, straight in front - they’re a bitch to slot”.

The players break for match sim, and Cox and Grundy meet,
In a centre clash of titans, and they tap to the midfields’ feet.
“You’ll get nutted in the clearances!”, cries Buckley from the gate,
As in the Preliminary Final when supporters’ hearts did break.

The Pig defends ferociously instilling the cold dead hand of fear,
While midget Brown is standing tall at the start of a breakout year,
The on-ball squad have a red hot go, while Crispy’s thumping torps,
Until time and motion are suspended by the magical Pendlebury warp.

Langdon’s walking training laps with his trademark languid air,
In a laconic return from injury, he looks so free of care.
Some foresee him as a captain, but with his hair so long,
He’s like a happy Goa hippy who’s got dippy with a bong.

Delisted Dunnie’s back in form and pounding round the park,
The veteran hopes for a rookie spot before the season starts.
So step aside young newbies - big Dunnie’s on the pump!
He’ll run clean bloody through you, cos’ he’s hard as a red gum stump.

Neddie Guy and Decker have been busy trading picks,
And paying overs for old age rovers - it just gives fans the shits.
Redeeming Beams from the Lion’s den was one such dubious call,
A move so barmy the Magpie Army might put Eddie against a wall.

The locker room is haunted by the ghosts of Magpies past,
Heater and Daisy’s spectres lurk as sunset’s shadows cast.
Stand quietly for a moment and see Harry’s apparition in the pool,
And that phantom stench from Buckley’s bench is where Malthouse left a stool.

At Christmas open training the faithful gather round,
Mums and kids and grandpas see their heroes on the ground .
They pay for merchandise and memberships, though every year the price goes up,
But its culture not boardroom greed that helps win a premiership cup.

Alone out on the boundary line a true old clubman stands,
In tattered scarf and duffel coat - he’s one of Hafey’s clan.
Wrought by 40 years of membership, to the playing list he calls,
“You cream puffs wanna to win a flag? Then grow some f--ken balls!”

Then Sidey races down the wing to Darcy’s flawless lead,
It’s enough to give members hope in the tarnished Magpie creed,
And reveal with 20-20 foresight a Collingwood grand final year,
So let us pray it will unfold and bring forth September cheer!


Floreat pica
_________________


EDIT: verse on Cloke added 13 Dec
EDIT: verse on recruitment (+ a tidy up) added 14 Dec
EDIT: verses on ghosts of Magpies past and the old clubman added 15 Dec
EDIT: verses on Langdon, ruck tactics (Grundy & Cox), and Dunn added on 17 Dec.
EDIT two verses on Greenwood/Brown/Pendlebury, and Christmas open training added 20 Dec.

[RudeBoy]

Well done Woods. Well done indeed.

[Rd10.1998_11.1#36]

Haha good one

[Woods]

^^ thanks

[think better]

Great work - a cross between the Bard and Bawdy Ballads!

[simon tonna]

Any chance of ending the tune with the beams catastrophe.

[Cam]

Well done Woods

[Woods]

Any chance of ending the tune with the beams catastrophe.

Not ended with, but now included (see the OP).

Cheers

[simon tonna]

Good one Woods

[PyreneesPie]

Great work - a cross between the Bard and Bawdy Ballads!

Yes indeed! Entertaining and very clever Woods.

[Harrysz]

Creative, great!

[Woods]

^ thanks

(two new verses added to the OP)

[Rd10.1998_11.1#36]

Even better now

[PyreneesPie]

"Alone out on the boundary line a true old clubman stands,
In tattered scarf and duffel coat - he’s one of Hafey’s clan".

Such wonderful imagery Woods. Fantastic!!

[Woods]

^ Cheers, I imagine you may be a bit of an old clubman yourself, PP.

(Three new verses added on Langdon, ruck tactics (Cox and Grundy), and Dunn)