A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.
Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
Moderator: bbmods
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think positive
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stui magpie
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4pies
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my misses walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast & the excitement was unbelievable
It seemed 2 take ages but eventually there she was standing beside me
I gave her a cheeky wink & said.
" Get the trolley here love. They're doing 3 cartons of XXXX FOR THE PRICE OF 2
My heart was beating fast & the excitement was unbelievable
It seemed 2 take ages but eventually there she was standing beside me
I gave her a cheeky wink & said.
" Get the trolley here love. They're doing 3 cartons of XXXX FOR THE PRICE OF 2
ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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3.14159
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not a joke, just a story an olde bloke told me the other day.
Bill, when he was a young bloke went droving in the NT. He'd been mustering for 2 months when Sat-dee night the urge took him. He approach the trail boss and asked, "where can a young bloke like me get a bit of....satisfaction?"
"Well" says Bluey, "If your desparate there's allwaes the Chinese cook he says. You give me 50 quid and bob's your uncle".
50 quid????? I could buy half the woman in StKilda for that!!!"says Bill!
"Your new and don't understand so i'll tell ya straight. The cocky (grazier) is a god fearin man so's i ave to give him 30 quid, cause he don't hold with that sortta thing."
"What about the rest?" says Bill.
"Well i get 10 quid because i organise it and i really don't hold with it either".
"What about the other 10?"
Well, thats to pay the other blokes to hold the Chinese cook down .
He don't hold with that sortta thing either".
Bill, when he was a young bloke went droving in the NT. He'd been mustering for 2 months when Sat-dee night the urge took him. He approach the trail boss and asked, "where can a young bloke like me get a bit of....satisfaction?"
"Well" says Bluey, "If your desparate there's allwaes the Chinese cook he says. You give me 50 quid and bob's your uncle".
50 quid????? I could buy half the woman in StKilda for that!!!"says Bill!
"Your new and don't understand so i'll tell ya straight. The cocky (grazier) is a god fearin man so's i ave to give him 30 quid, cause he don't hold with that sortta thing."
"What about the rest?" says Bill.
"Well i get 10 quid because i organise it and i really don't hold with it either".
"What about the other 10?"
Well, thats to pay the other blokes to hold the Chinese cook down .
He don't hold with that sortta thing either".
Last edited by 3.14159 on Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Culprit
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While on his latest overseas trip to Thailand, Steve was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom the entire time he was away.
On arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his *enis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
Orders some tests and tells him to return in two days for the results.
Steve returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in Australia, we know very little about it."
Steve looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your *enis."
Steve screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option."
The next day, Steve seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his *enis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
Steve says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to cut off my *enis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" Steve exclaims.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!"
On arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his *enis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
Orders some tests and tells him to return in two days for the results.
Steve returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in Australia, we know very little about it."
Steve looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your *enis."
Steve screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option."
The next day, Steve seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his *enis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
Steve says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to cut off my *enis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" Steve exclaims.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!"
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stui magpie
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Culprit
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today
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think positive
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Dark Beanie
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome