Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

[HAL]

When was this exactly? With a camera, I hope.

[Tannin]

Doctor: So how are we feeling, Miss Lawson?

Patient: I'm fine Doctor. A bit woozy maybe, but ... yeah ... I feel OK.

Doctor: Excellent!

Patient: So the operation went OK?

Doctor: Oh yes, Miss Lawson, quite straightforward. No complications, you should heal up just fine.

Patient: And ... er ... Doctor?

Doctor: Yes?

Patient: Um ... how long will it be before I can have a normal sex life?

Doctor: (mumbles something unintelligible, turns away with his face in his hands)

Patient: Doctor!

Doctor: I'm sorry, Miss Lawson. Please excuse me. I ... ah ...

Patient: Is it bad news?

Doctor: No, no, everything will be fine. A couple of weeks and you'll be ... Yes. Just fine.

Patient: But you seemed so upset when I asked if I could have a normal sex life?

Doctor: Yes, well Miss Lawson, I was a little ... um ... unprepared. You see, no-one has ever asked me that question before. Well, not after having their tonsils out.

[Piethagoras' Theorem]

[HAL]

Oops. Too much data.

[Bucks5]

In the original version of Stui's joke back in the 80's, the mother had swallowed some ball bearings...... Much nicer than being shot by a bank robber

[stui magpie]

In the original version of Stui's joke back in the 80's, the mother had swallowed some ball bearings...... Much nicer than being shot by a bank robber

Maybe nicer but also impossible where at least this version has a degree of plausibility. (only a small degree admittedly)

[think positive]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

I like the gratious violence

[stui magpie]

[stui magpie]

Couple more.

Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One woman turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old woman asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

...After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said, "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. You mean it has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fvck or drown...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.

He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.

She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One's in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring!!"

[David]

Lola laughed at the last one.

[Piethagoras' Theorem]

[watt price tully]

Apologies if this has been posted already:



The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
...
'Very good!'



Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.



The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.



As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed again!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, "St Kilda - in the 3rd quarter of the 2010 grandfinal"

[stui magpie]

[Culprit]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in
attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to
a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not;
it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)