Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Culprit]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck."Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . ...




"What the fook would they want with a plasterer??!"

[stui magpie]

^

LOL.


A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony.


Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama.

[HAL]

Does he like it there? I don't really have a mother.

[Culprit]

Let's Offend Everyone !


I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said "I've not eaten for two days."
I told him "I wish I had your will power"!


I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gipsies" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said "sorry about the wait."
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any Change?"
I said 'Nope, you're still black'


Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you"?
The boy replies "No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him "Where am I"?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji...

[laird]

Let's Offend Everyone !


I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said "I've not eaten for two days."
I told him "I wish I had your will power"!


I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gipsies" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said "sorry about the wait."
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any Change?"
I said 'Nope, you're still black'


Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you"?
The boy replies "No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him "Where am I"?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji...

[David]

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you"?
The boy replies "No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".

I have to admit I laughed at this one.

The last three don't feel like they belong. How are any of them offensive (apart from one being a fairly run-of-the-mill Irish joke)?

A few of the rest were a little off, but mostly pretty lame.

Sincerely,
David,
joke critic

[stui magpie]

Nice work Culprit, I did actually laugh out loud at a couple of them.

[Culprit]

Am 8 year old Choir Boy catches a Priest masturbating.
The Boy asks, What are you doing"?
The Priest replies, "I am masturbating, and you will be doing it soon".
The Boy replies, "why father"?
The Priest then replies, "because my wrist is killing me".

[stui magpie]

^

LOL,

Peter cook and Dudley Moore AKA Derek and Clive had their own take on a similar scenario.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CvzseiH4QA

[3.14159]

Some genuine LOLs.

[Kingswood]

Mate, anyone of Greek or Italian persuasion will tell you that one's been done to death.
(

Why do greek men have moustaches?

They take after their mothers.

[HAL]

Who, specifically, take after their mothers?

[Culprit]

[Culprit]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?'
'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ..........
Is this 9700-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number.

[Culprit]

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was 2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him 2000.00 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'well, here it is on the screen, it says: *any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is 39.00.*'

I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.