^
LOL, good ones.
Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
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stui magpie
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stui magpie
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A variation of the joke Quentin tarantino tells in Desperado. (or it might be "Once upon a time in Mexico)
IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'
IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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Culprit
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A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
" Well, I guess I just panicked "
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
" Well, I guess I just panicked "
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Culprit
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Oscar Pistorius
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
And the Oscar goes to...
Prison.
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
And the Oscar goes to...
Prison.
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stui magpie
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think positive
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54652
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54652
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
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stui magpie
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Dark Beanie
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The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ....she said. "Have you ever seen $25,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ....he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ....she said. "Have you ever seen $25,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ....he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome
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think positive
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