Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[David]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/jokes-on ... understand

Some of these are terrible, but there are a few good ones:

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A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician replies: "yes."

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Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. Cop pulled him over and said, "Son, do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg said, "No, but I knew where I was."

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Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

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There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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[3.14159]

The bartender says, "hey, want to hear a joke? Okay, so M.C. Escher walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey, want to hear a joke? Okay, so M.C. Escher walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey, want to hear a joke? Okay, so M.C. Escher walks into a bar..."

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

[Dark Beanie]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about It.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

[Culprit]

I'm back.

A Man's Random Thoughts

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting so I knew I made it home Okay!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Culprit]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Gladstone with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Brisbane, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in
Gladstone, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[Culprit]

News Flash: Christmas Island

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Australia today, near Christmas Island.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Australia and heading towards Indonesia. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors on pensions trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to the Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled
to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian Citizens.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water, fuel, and assisted them
on their journey.

We are now booking the next boat out; let me know if you want to come
along.

[David]

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Australia and heading towards Indonesia. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors on pensions trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to the Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled
to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian Citizens.

[think positive]

News Flash: Christmas Island

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Australia today, near Christmas Island.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Australia and heading towards Indonesia. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors on pensions trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to the Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled
to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian Citizens.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water, fuel, and assisted them
on their journey.

We are now booking the next boat out; let me know if you want to come
along.

Well I liked it!!

And the wife ones, I might borrow a couple!

[think positive]

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she
would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle
chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[stui magpie]

^

ha. Who says Blondes are dumb.

[David]

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she
would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle
chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

That's a good one.

[Culprit]

[5150]

Call to a men's helpline

HELP LINE: " Hello my name is Bob how can I help you?"
Caller: " Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

[3.14159]

A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. It's about 3 metres long.
The bartender flips out and says, "Hey mate, get that thing outta here.
It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame crocodile.
I'll prove it to you."
He picks the croc up and puts it on the bar.
Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his dong and sticks it in the crocodile's mouth.
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the crocodile's mouth, zips up his pants up and says,
"See, I told you it was a tame crocodile.
Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "
Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

[stui magpie]