The phone rings, a women answers.
A pervert in a hushed voice says to her "I bet you have have a tight arse with no hair whatsoever"
"Sure", she replies. "He's on the couch watching the footy, I'll put him on"
Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
Moderator: bbmods
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think positive
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im stealing that!stui magpie wrote:Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she split right up the middle..."
The old woman fainted.
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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stui magpie
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True mateship.
John brings his best mate home for dinner one night unannounced. They walk in the door at 6pm and Johns wife instantly gives him the rounds of the house, in full earshot of his best mate.
"WTF are you thinking?" says Johns wife. "My hair and make up aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I don't feel like cooking tonight. Why the hell would you bring him over here like this?"
John replied "because he's thinking of getting married"
John brings his best mate home for dinner one night unannounced. They walk in the door at 6pm and Johns wife instantly gives him the rounds of the house, in full earshot of his best mate.
"WTF are you thinking?" says Johns wife. "My hair and make up aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I don't feel like cooking tonight. Why the hell would you bring him over here like this?"
John replied "because he's thinking of getting married"
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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think positive
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Lazza
- Posts: 12836
- Joined: Tue Feb 04, 2003 7:01 pm
- Location: Bendigo, Victoria, Australia
A glass of wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine
and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Endorsed by Barry O'Farrell, Grange receiver and drinker
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine
and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Endorsed by Barry O'Farrell, Grange receiver and drinker
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think positive
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54653
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54653
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
