Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
Moderator: bbmods
- stui magpie
- Posts: 54653
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Two, but the trick is getting them in there.
What has 75 balls and makes old ladies excited?
- A bingo machine.
Which would you rather be... a bowling ball or a lightbulb?
- It depends on whether you want to be fingered or screwed.
What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
-The Spice Girls.
- Two, but the trick is getting them in there.
What has 75 balls and makes old ladies excited?
- A bingo machine.
Which would you rather be... a bowling ball or a lightbulb?
- It depends on whether you want to be fingered or screwed.
What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
-The Spice Girls.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
- think positive
- Posts: 40192
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 216 times
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stui magpie wrote:A ventriloquist touring Victoria, walks into a small village in Gippsland and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. Lets call the local, for want of a better name, Swoop.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Swoop: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid townie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Swoop: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this bloke your owner?" (pointing at the local)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Swoop: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Swoop: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Swoop: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the local)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Swoop: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your Goat?"
Swoop: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!!" :
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
- think positive
- Posts: 40192
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 216 times
- Been liked: 86 times
- think positive
- Posts: 40192
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 216 times
- Been liked: 86 times
- Dark Beanie
- Posts: 4800
- Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2004 11:41 am
- Location: A galaxy far, far away.
- Has liked: 2 times
- Been liked: 17 times
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:
"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:
"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome
- stui magpie
- Posts: 54653
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
- stui magpie
- Posts: 54653
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
- stui magpie
- Posts: 54653
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 72 times
- Been liked: 74 times
- Skids
- Posts: 9904
- Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 11:46 am
- Location: ANZAC day 2019 with Dad.
- Has liked: 26 times
- Been liked: 31 times
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money."
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said, "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered..
"Well .... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....
...tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money."
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said, "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered..
"Well .... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....
...tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
Don't count the days, make the days count.
- Culprit
- Posts: 17139
- Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2003 7:01 pm
- Location: Port Melbourne
- Has liked: 9 times
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After seeing 50 Shades of Grey a frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband eventually asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband eventually asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."