The absolute bombshell in my life right now

[Presti35]

So as many of you might know, I moved from Melbourne to a town about 30km north of London in August 2015.

It's been one hell of a ride. Such a life changing experience.

I followed my girlfriend over so that she could pursue her career.

What could be wrong with this you ask?

Well, we started together at the same workplace in the September (2015), and after 12 months she changed location as I stayed at the original workplace.

Working together was kind of strange, but I think we kept a healthy relationship in that time. I will admit that once she left, I probably found work to be less stressful.

Here is the problem;

Another woman that I work with has recently told me how she feels about me. Thats not a problem I can hear you saying.

Well it is, because I feel the same.

Shit.

How did that happen? Well thats a story for another time I guess.

Anyway, heres the important factors:

*I've been with my GF for 10 years. She's been with her BF for 8 years.

*My GF's visa is up in August. Mine goes for another 3 years.

*My GF and I have booked flights home (via 3 days in Hong Kong) in late August.

*Things have "happened", but we have not cheated on our partners. Most of this stuff has happened in the past 10 days.

*I knew she liked me, but I didnt know 100% until recently. Thats a regret, as I wish I did something or found out earlier. I was the one who did the asking, and she's recently said she wishes she kept her feelings to herself as its proving to become quite difficult.

*She's told me that she cant just pack up and move to Oz, but if there was no BF/GF's then she would do it. She's also said that she is scared of hurting me and that she thinks I'm in this deeper than she is (I dont know if i really believe that though).

*I want to act on this, but I dont know how I feel about my GF of 10 years and I'm shitting myself about that. And i dont know how she really feels about her BF of 8 (They've got a home loan in the last 12 months and he's Welsh ffs).

I really cant handle what is going on and with 4 weeks left, I dont know what the hell to do. She's also made me swear to keep this quiet as all of my friends here are our co-workers.

I honestly feel that we are a match. This is killing me.

[Skids]

Be very careful.

I left my missus years ago for 'someone at work' who I thought i felt the same things you're feeling.

I was separated from my wife for about 8 months, was going to move to Kunnunarra to be with the new 'Love of my life'.... thank **** i came to my senses and didn't.... and thank **** my wife had me back!

I've been in a similar situation since then too. The grass is always greener... there's never been a more accurate saying.

I've been with Kelly 25 years and I love her more than ever.

Think long and hard before you leap is my advice.

[David]

[think positive]

Be very careful.

Think long and hard before you leap is my advice.

Brave post, and so true.

Presti, is it the 7-10 year itch? You need some excitement? We all do, maybe your girlfriend is feeling the same way, the effort to fix things takes two. I don't know too many long term relationships that haven't had ups and downs. It ain't easy. And temptations a bitch. Not just in the form of another person.

And David is right, forget the other woman. You need to sort your feelings for your long time girlfriend out first. You owe her that much, and the truth. You say you haven't cheated but you've discussed moving with this person, surely that's one foot out the door? And very unfair. No one deserves to be second choice, sort your first situation out first. For your own sake, too, rebound relationships rarely work. If it is the love of your life, it will wait.

And just as an aside, I don't get it, the other (from a female perspective) guy will still leave the toilet seat up, he won't be able to read my mind, and he probably won't like football as much as me, or what ever else you don't have in common right now! Working together is not the same as living together, you don't get the morning breath, the farts, the man flu whinging!

I reckon most people need to be at peace with their decisions, to be able to see them through to a good result. My advice is, find your peace. That's just my two cents, cheers and good luck

[mandy]

My advice - everything David said.

[stui magpie]

I'm similar to the others. You don't frig up a perfectly good relationship for what may be just infatuation or a case of "the grass is greener". My observation has always been that a bloke in a relationship seems to always get more "opportunities" than a single bloke. Maybe it's a mindset thing.

So definitely start with how you feel about your current relationship, allowing for the fact that after 8-10 years things can feel a little boring and routine and you may not feel that spark anymore, but do you still love her? Do you still want to be with her?

If the answer to both those questions is yes, I differ from David in I don't think you can be in 2 relationships at once unless both parties are clearly cool with it, so I'd walk away from the work one.

If you are having troubles in your current one, then you need to think first if you want to work with her to repair that. Don't even consider the other woman until you sort out how you feel about the one you've got.

People's work personalities can be completely different to their home one.

[Morrigu]

Some pretty sound advice given here.

Most important - you need to talk to your partner - how does she feel about your relationship? Who knows maybe she isn't that happy, doesn't see a future etc etc??

I know you said you haven't cheated on her but in my mind you have regardless of whether you have had sex or not ( actually for me a one night sex thing is better than an ongoing emotional thing - not that I would forgive either) - it depends on what your partner regards as cheating!

[watt price tully]

My advice: Everything Mandy said.

[stui magpie]

Or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKE2hmgzUgo

Just wear the consequences of your actions, good or bad.

[Wokko]

This "other woman" seems to love the attention but doesn't want her life turned upside down. Sounds like you'll blow up everything, she'll stay with her Welshman and you'll be left single and resentful.

Relationships that begin with cheating, in the rare case that both parties will want to start something real with each other, are the most likely to fail. I'd be running back to the current partner, telling her absolutely nothing and forgetting this other woman existed. If your primary relationship is truly over then end it and give yourself time to grieve, everything you've posted says to me you're heading into full on self destruct territory.

[HAL]

What does you'll blow up everything she'll stay with her Welshman and you'll be left single and resentful sound like?

[Presti35]

Thanks everyone. These replies are great. And very helpful.

I've been in a mess for a while over this. And would you believe it, we all went out together today with another friend. That was probably not a good idea, but I survived it.

I never went out looking for a new thing. Im pretty sure she didnt either.

My current GF sees a big future for us when we return to Oz.

I would have never considered leaving my GF before this. I've had a few offers in the past few years, which I left unanswered. (Is "offers" the right word? Im not Elvis Presely here, but hopefully you know what I mean). So I do agree with the thing about guys getting more attention/interest when they already have a GF.

There's just something about this girl. We're a perfect match, but like many have said, I've only known her for 2 years. Can I throw away ten years, mostly good years, for her? Part of me says yes, part of me says no.

I am also aware that there is a big rick of losing both and being left with nothing. I'm not going to be a prick and try to keep both girls either. I'm also not going to cheat on my GF.

Right now, I do feel that we'll return to Oz and that I might not see the other girl for a very, very, long time. But that hurts to think about. I want her in my life.

I feel guilty as all hell.

[Mugwump]

Relationships that begin with cheating, in the rare case that both parties will want to start something real with each other, are the most likely to fail. I'd be running back to the current partner, telling her absolutely nothing and forgetting this other woman existed. If your primary relationship is truly over then end it and give yourself time to grieve, everything you've posted says to me you're heading into full on self destruct territory.

I like this post. It's unlikely that anyone writing here will do justice to the complicated and obscure motivations of the players in this drama, but to do so, it'd be necessary to understand what this new person fulfills in you that your existing girlfriend does not, and whether that is likely to be durable.

You suggest that this new person may be "the one". The question is why. If it is sexual attraction, then that is unlikely to last. If you are flattered that you admired her and she seems to want you, then that too is unlikely to last. On the other hand, if she has an approach to life that is closer to your own than your current GF, then that is a weighty matter.

There is also much to say for Stui's point that, whatever you choose, what you do after your choice may be more critical to your ultimate happiness than the choice itself. We overrate the process of choosing : it flatters our ego to be in the centre of events. How we live day by day is often more important than what we choose in the rare epic moments of our lives.

[luvdids]

So Presti, you say this new girl is a 'perfect match' - are you & your GF matched?

You've known new girl for 2 years so it's hopefully more than just a lust thing so you have to do what everyone else says - figure out if you & your GF are just together out of habit? I've been in a relationship like that & was devastated when it ended but looking back (not even that long after it) I realised we were about 2-3 years too late to calling it quits.

You say you can't imagine being away from new girl for a very very long time, do you feel the same about your GF? For me, that's the key question.

If you break up with GF & at some stage get with new girl & it doesn't end well & you end up with nothing I don't think that's a disaster? Relationship with GF had obviously run it's course, tried something else which didn't work so you just start again.
Contrary to what some people think, there's nothing wrong with being on your own for a while (especially if you're with someone you don't want to be with, a lesson a lot of people could learn)

Good luck & at least you're asking advice - hopefully it's helping.

[stui magpie]

^

There's nothing wrong with being on your won, period, if you're wired that way.

better an empty house than a bad tenant.