Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
Moderator: bbmods
-
think positive
- Posts: 40243
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 342 times
- Been liked: 105 times
-
stui magpie
- Posts: 54842
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 132 times
- Been liked: 166 times
An elderly couple were watching the tv and the husband had the remote.
He kept changing back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing program.
“For heaven’s sake” said his wife “leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish"
An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eight of a beer…
The bartender pours two beers, and says, “You figure it out!”
One for those who know their Chemistry,
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.
He kept changing back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing program.
“For heaven’s sake” said his wife “leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish"
An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eight of a beer…
The bartender pours two beers, and says, “You figure it out!”
One for those who know their Chemistry,
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
-
think positive
- Posts: 40243
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 342 times
- Been liked: 105 times
The first one I so get that! Great come back! Flick flick flick flick, and its not just during adds! And he wonders why we never watch tv together!
Last edited by think positive on Wed May 18, 2022 12:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
-
stui magpie
- Posts: 54842
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 132 times
- Been liked: 166 times
Billy's Daily Groaner, this one got him kicked of Tiktok
My mate Bert is loving life at the moment.
Reckons he has sex 2-3 times a week, exercises twice a day, gets plenty of time to relax and reflect and reads a couple of books each week.
Yet he still complains constantly about how much he hates being in Prison.
My mate Bert is loving life at the moment.
Reckons he has sex 2-3 times a week, exercises twice a day, gets plenty of time to relax and reflect and reads a couple of books each week.
Yet he still complains constantly about how much he hates being in Prison.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
-
think positive
- Posts: 40243
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 342 times
- Been liked: 105 times
-
stui magpie
- Posts: 54842
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 132 times
- Been liked: 166 times
This one is a tad topical.
This story is about a group of three men, who’d been friends since grade school and all the way through college, and beyond.
A few years into adulthood, one of the men says, “I can’t keep living a lie. All my life, I feel that I’ve been a woman. I’m going to start presenting as a woman, and get the surgery.” Her friends were very supportive of her decision.
The next time they get together, the friend has gotten the surgery, and is presenting as a woman. The other two members of their friend group, naturally, have some questions.
“Looking very nice,” one of them says. “I want to know, though-- what was the most painful part of the transition? Was it when they removed your penis?”
“No,” the woman replies. “That hurt, but after awhile, I barely noticed its absence.”
“Surely, it was when they took your balls,” the other friend said.
“No. That was pretty painful, but I’m fine now. There is a lingering pain in another way, though.”
“What was that?”
“When they halved my salary.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vladimir Putin dies and goes to hell.
After a year the devil in charge of his section tells him that they need to do maintenance on the area and they’re sending him back to Moscow for an hour.
Putin heads into a nearby bar and orders a large vodka. He asks the barman “Did we get Crimea?” “Yes”, “What about Donbas” “That as well”, “How about Kiev” “That’s ours too”
Putin is happy with this news. His time is nearly up. “How much do I owe you?”
“Five Euros”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These next few are for David.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed - I never thought they actually worked.
My mother-in-law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?
Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.
Oh, so you won’t even stay for a coffee?
My mother in law complained that I didn’t get her anything for Christmas. I told her it was because she didn’t use the burial plot I got her last year.
My doorbell rang. I opened the door and my mother in law was standing on the steps. She said “can I stay here for a while?” I said “sure” and shut the door.
This story is about a group of three men, who’d been friends since grade school and all the way through college, and beyond.
A few years into adulthood, one of the men says, “I can’t keep living a lie. All my life, I feel that I’ve been a woman. I’m going to start presenting as a woman, and get the surgery.” Her friends were very supportive of her decision.
The next time they get together, the friend has gotten the surgery, and is presenting as a woman. The other two members of their friend group, naturally, have some questions.
“Looking very nice,” one of them says. “I want to know, though-- what was the most painful part of the transition? Was it when they removed your penis?”
“No,” the woman replies. “That hurt, but after awhile, I barely noticed its absence.”
“Surely, it was when they took your balls,” the other friend said.
“No. That was pretty painful, but I’m fine now. There is a lingering pain in another way, though.”
“What was that?”
“When they halved my salary.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vladimir Putin dies and goes to hell.
After a year the devil in charge of his section tells him that they need to do maintenance on the area and they’re sending him back to Moscow for an hour.
Putin heads into a nearby bar and orders a large vodka. He asks the barman “Did we get Crimea?” “Yes”, “What about Donbas” “That as well”, “How about Kiev” “That’s ours too”
Putin is happy with this news. His time is nearly up. “How much do I owe you?”
“Five Euros”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These next few are for David.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed - I never thought they actually worked.
My mother-in-law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?
Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.
Oh, so you won’t even stay for a coffee?
My mother in law complained that I didn’t get her anything for Christmas. I told her it was because she didn’t use the burial plot I got her last year.
My doorbell rang. I opened the door and my mother in law was standing on the steps. She said “can I stay here for a while?” I said “sure” and shut the door.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
-
stui magpie
- Posts: 54842
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 132 times
- Been liked: 166 times
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a restaurant.
The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, you can’t come in without a Thai.
The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, you can’t come in without a Thai.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
-
think positive
- Posts: 40243
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 342 times
- Been liked: 105 times
ooooh thats bad!
A policeman in Ireland pulls over a speeding car. He says:
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says:
"Are you sure? I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the policeman writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls:
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says:
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the policeman makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth:
"Woman, didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut!" The policeman frowns and says:
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an on the spot 60 Euro fine. "
The driver says:
"Well, you see sir, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says:
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the policeman is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks:
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The policeman looks over at the woman and asks:
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
Smiling sweetly, she replies. Only when he's been drinking, sir."
A policeman in Ireland pulls over a speeding car. He says:
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says:
"Are you sure? I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the policeman writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls:
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says:
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the policeman makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth:
"Woman, didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut!" The policeman frowns and says:
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an on the spot 60 Euro fine. "
The driver says:
"Well, you see sir, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says:
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the policeman is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks:
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The policeman looks over at the woman and asks:
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
Smiling sweetly, she replies. Only when he's been drinking, sir."
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
-
stui magpie
- Posts: 54842
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 132 times
- Been liked: 166 times
-
eddiesmith
- Posts: 12394
- Joined: Tue Nov 23, 2004 12:21 am
- Location: Lexus Centre
- Has liked: 11 times
- Been liked: 24 times
-
stui magpie
- Posts: 54842
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 132 times
- Been liked: 166 times
-
stui magpie
- Posts: 54842
- Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 am
- Location: In flagrante delicto
- Has liked: 132 times
- Been liked: 166 times
Pinched this from Facebook, it's probably not legit but it is funny.
Bless Australians and our sense of humour. These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? (UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ..Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English in most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Bless Australians and our sense of humour. These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? (UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ..Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English in most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
-
think positive
- Posts: 40243
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 342 times
- Been liked: 105 times