Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
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What'sinaname
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Skids
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An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Don't count the days, make the days count.
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stui magpie
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Dog breed personalities.
A Rottweiler, a Corgi and a Jack Russell died and ended up at heaven.
God was seated on his chair and greeted the 3 dogs.
God said to the dogs, "before i let you in, each of you needs to tell me what you believe in"
The Rottweiler said "I believe in discipline, training and obeying and protecting my master"
"Excellent" said God, "You may take a set here to my right."
The Corgi went next. "I believe in getting lots of love and attention from my master"
"Very good" said God, you may take a seat here to my left.
God looked down at the Jack Russell and said, "So, what do you believe in?"
The Jack Russell looked up at God. "I Believe" he said "that you're in my seat"
A Rottweiler, a Corgi and a Jack Russell died and ended up at heaven.
God was seated on his chair and greeted the 3 dogs.
God said to the dogs, "before i let you in, each of you needs to tell me what you believe in"
The Rottweiler said "I believe in discipline, training and obeying and protecting my master"
"Excellent" said God, "You may take a set here to my right."
The Corgi went next. "I believe in getting lots of love and attention from my master"
"Very good" said God, you may take a seat here to my left.
God looked down at the Jack Russell and said, "So, what do you believe in?"
The Jack Russell looked up at God. "I Believe" he said "that you're in my seat"
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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stui magpie
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Pinched from Facebook.
Anthony Albanese walked into a bank to cash a cheque
When he’s called over to the teller, he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Anthony Albanese said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need as I’m the Prime Minister of Australia."
The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Albo said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Albanese, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"
Getting a bit agitated, Albanese snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."
The teller said, "Look Mr Albonese, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Albanese , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Anthony Albanese stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."
With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Albanese?
Anthony Albanese walked into a bank to cash a cheque
When he’s called over to the teller, he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Anthony Albanese said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need as I’m the Prime Minister of Australia."
The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Albo said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Albanese, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"
Getting a bit agitated, Albanese snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."
The teller said, "Look Mr Albonese, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Albanese , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Anthony Albanese stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."
With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Albanese?
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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think positive
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Truth! But I doubt dogs get asked questions, dogs are the foundation of heaven!stui magpie wrote:Dog breed personalities.
A Rottweiler, a Corgi and a Jack Russell died and ended up at heaven.
God was seated on his chair and greeted the 3 dogs.
God said to the dogs, "before i let you in, each of you needs to tell me what you believe in"
The Rottweiler said "I believe in discipline, training and obeying and protecting my master"
"Excellent" said God, "You may take a set here to my right."
The Corgi went next. "I believe in getting lots of love and attention from my master"
"Very good" said God, you may take a seat here to my left.
God looked down at the Jack Russell and said, "So, what do you believe in?"
The Jack Russell looked up at God. "I Believe" he said "that you're in my seat"
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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What'sinaname
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stui magpie
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Billy's daily groaner
A little girl walks into a pet shop and up to the man in charge.
"Excuse me, mister, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The mans heart melted. Awwwww. He got down on one knee so their faces were level and said to the little girl, "yes we have some widdle wabbits. Would you like widdle white one, or the fluffy one, or the widdle brown one over there?
The little girl blushed and looked down at her shoes for a moment, then looked back up at the man and said "Honestly mister, I don't think my pet python gives a fvck"
A little girl walks into a pet shop and up to the man in charge.
"Excuse me, mister, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The mans heart melted. Awwwww. He got down on one knee so their faces were level and said to the little girl, "yes we have some widdle wabbits. Would you like widdle white one, or the fluffy one, or the widdle brown one over there?
The little girl blushed and looked down at her shoes for a moment, then looked back up at the man and said "Honestly mister, I don't think my pet python gives a fvck"
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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think positive
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stui magpie
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What'sinaname
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stui magpie
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