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The Mrs was going through the contacts on my phone and asked me, “Who’s Jumper Cables”. I replied, “That’s you, honey”. She replies, “wtf, Jumper cables?”. I said, “Honey, you always start something”.
My mate arrived home and found his wife drunk and screaming at the TV, “Don’t Go into the Church”. He asked, “What are you watching honey?”. She replied, “Our Wedding Video”.
"Lemon Pickers Needed" - ad in the Shepparton Times newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan read it and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Victorians are not willing to do. She submitted her application for a job as a Lemon Fruit Picker but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a Arts Degree and a Masters from Melbourne University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker and also as a school teacher. The farm owner studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated and have an impressive resume. However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said... "I've been divorced three times, owned two Holdens, voted twice for Daniel Andrews and once for Anthony Albanese.
She started work yesterday……..
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.
When I was a little kid I used to pray for a bike.
Then as I got older and went to Sunday School, I learned that's not how prayer works.
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
I'll see myself out.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
My next-door neighbor just knocked on my door in a see-through negligee. They asked for a cup of sugar winked at me and asked if they could come inside. I said, “Piss off Dave”.
The teacher asks Johhny, "When you are older, what type of wife would you like?"
Johnny replies, "I'd love a wife like a moon".
The teacher surprised asks, "That's really nice Johnny, why the moon?"
Johnny quickly responds, "That's because she can show up at night and disappear in the morning".
The wife was cleaning their 14-year-old son's room and opened the wardrobe and found a load of serious bondage and fetish magazines. She tells her husband and asks, What do we do" Her husband says, "I am no expert, but I wouldn't be ffing spanking him.
Went to the local bar last night and the bar lady yelled, “Anyone know CPR?”. I yelled out, “fck yes, I know the whole alphabet”. Everyone pissed themselves laughing bar this one guy.
My wife has told me she’s quit smoking AGAIN. To see if she’s telling the truth this time, I’ve gone to the pub and left the gas on.
I woke with a shocking hangover and the bloke next door decided to mow his lawn. I was going to get up and have a crack at him but thought, fck it, he can mow around me.
