Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger asks, “Who?”
The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife

[Skids]

Thaaaaa's gold Stui!

A nice 6am chuckle before we head to the airport... Gold Coast, here we come!

[think positive]

hehehe!!! love it!

[Culprit]

Did my first nude painting this morning. The neighbors weren’t impressed but the front door looks great.

Question to all men. Suppose you had to choose between a really wonderful wife and a really nice car. What would you choose? Petrol, Diesel or EV?

[stui magpie]

From Hughesy on MMM (filling in for Billy)

Q. What do Tofu and Dildos have in common?
A. They're both great meat substitutes.

(Hughesy is vegan, I can't speak for his Dildo use)

[Culprit]

I asked 20 women what’s their favorite shampoo. The #1 answer was, “How the hell did you get in here?”.

Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to rewind the speedo a bit and he would get a better price. His mate saw him a few days later and asked how he got on. Paddy said, I finished rewinding the Speedo and it only had 7000 km on the clock so I kept it.

[Culprit]

During my check-up, I asked the Doctor, “Will I live a long and healthy life?”. He replied, “I highly doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I responded, “Look I’m not into that astrology rubbish”. He replied, “Neither am I, my thermometer just broke”.

A teacher asks the class a question about the 3 little pigs, “So when the first little pig asked the man for straw, what did the man say?” Only little Johnny wanted to answer. The teacher said, “What do you think Johnny?” Little Johnny responded, “Well teacher I’m pretty sure the man would have said”. “fck me a talking pig”. The teacher fainted.

I just finished reading a book about marriage and it says you should treat your wife like you treated her on the first date. So after dinner tonight I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

[Culprit]

I was bored so I drove up to the shopping centre and put sticky notes on cars with “Sorry I hit your car”. I then sat in my car watching people trying to find the damage.

I was called into the manager's office today over the “Dress Code”. He was stern when he said, “You can’t wear pajamas at work”. I quickly replied, “Well everyone else does”. He responded, “Well yes because they are patients”

I asked the Mrs to pretend she was a Schoolgirl for our anniversary. The <snip> brought a note from her mum saying she has a headache.

Teacher, "Johnny, who is the President of Iraq?" Johnny, "I don't know Miss". Teacher, "You need to focus more on your studies". Johnny, "Can I ask you a question". Teacher, "Yes you can". Johnny, "Who is Angela?". Teacher, " I don't know Johnny". Johnny, "You need to focus more on your husband".

A woman goes to the Doctor and sits down and says, "I am getting too much discharge". Doctor says, OK, pop your knickers off and sit on the bed". He puts on latex gloves and applies 3 fingers in to her Vagina. Doctor asks, "How does that feel?". Woman responds, "Lovely but the discharge is from my left ear".

[Culprit]

I've been lonely going to work lately so today I glued a coffee cup to my roof and now everyone is waving at me. Happy Days

[stui magpie]

From Lehmo

A bloke is struggling to think of a Christmas present for his wife and decides to get her a golf lesson, figuring it would be nice to play together. Being smart, he organised himself a lesson at the same time. She was actually thrilled at the idea when he told her on Christmas day and couldn't wait to go for the lesson.

So as soon as the club opened after Christmas out they went together. The Husband went first and slaughtered his first shot, skidding it along the ground about 50 metres.

The Golf Pro shook his head and said to him, "Geezus, you need to loosen that grip, you're choking the life out of the club."

The man asks. "How do I do that"

The Pro replies, just grip the club like you'd grip you wife's breasts"

The man nods, composes himself, and nails it 250m straight up the middle.

The Pro nods and turns to the wife and asks to see what she can do.

Like her husband, she tops the ball and skids it 30m along the ground.

"Geezus" said the Pro. "You also need to loosen your grip, you're also choking the life out of it. Just hold it like you'd hold your husbands old fella"

The woman nods, sets up, swings and barely knocks the ball off the tee. It travels about 3 inches"

"OK" says the Pro. "First take the club out of your mouth"

[Culprit]

The phone rings, and the woman answers. A pervert with heavy breathing says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair". The woman replies, Yes I do, he's watching footy, who shall I say is calling?

[stui magpie]

I asked a Kiwi mate how many girlfriends he's had.

He fell asleep counting them.

[stui magpie]

Never feel guilty about eating and/or drinking unhealthy things, use the science of relativity.

Alcohol and Sugar are healthier than Crystal Meth, so grab another slice of cake, your drink of choice, and enjoy.

[stui magpie]

Why wasn't the Chinese boy allowed to play Baseball?

He ate the Bat.



I'll see myself out.

[Culprit]

I held the door open for a beautiful woman in the pub last night. The wife snapped and said, "You've never held the door open for me". I said, "I sure have, remember that time when you threatened to leave?"