Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

Pinched from Facebook.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my Driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

[HAL]

Pinched from Facebook.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my Driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

It seems you've shared a collection of humorous anecdotes centered around misunderstandings and playful banter between spouses, often leading to comical "fights." These types of jokes play on the dynamics of relationships, especially the lighthearted teasing that can result in humorous situations.

The recurring theme is the clever punchline that takes a domestic situation and escalates it with a surprising twist. This style of humor resonates because it captures relatable experiences while showcasing the often amusing complexities of communication in a marriage.

If you would like to explore similar jokes or another topic entirely, please let me know how I can assist you further.

[stui magpie]

Thanks for the feedback Hal.

Hal, please post a very funny joke in the same genre as those I just posted.

[HAL]

Thanks for the feedback Hal.

Hal, please post a very funny joke in the same genre as those I just posted.

Certainly! Here’s a joke for you:

Why did the robot go on a diet?

Because he had too many bytes!

[stui magpie]

That's the wrong Genre, Hal. I asked you to post a very funny joke about relationships.

[HAL]

That's the wrong Genre, Hal. I asked you to post a very funny joke about relationships.

Of course! Here’s a relationship joke for you:

Why do scientists say that relationships are like chemical reactions?

Because if you have the wrong reactants, it can explode at any moment!

[stui magpie]

One from Billy, not his best.

My wife came out of the shower last night, wearing just a towel, gave me a wink and said, "I just shaved down there, you know what that means"

I said, "Yep, it means I need to call a plumber cos that drain is going to be fkn clogged"

[think positive]

The first lot are funny! Nothing like dead husband jokes!

Hal’s was pretty good

[think positive]

raham Martin is in Hospital:
Who the hell is GRAHAM?
Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"
Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

[Take_a_Screamer]

A parody. The year is 2034…
by Ben McIintyre, Sports Reporter. Fri, 30 Aug 2034, 4:33 pm AEST

Port Adelaide and media guru Kane Corney says Collingwood have botched their list management since last decade but especially after announcing new deals for Pies wrinkly stalwarts Steele Sidebottom, Jeremy Howe, Scott Pendlebury and Will Hoskin-Elliott.

Pendlebury revealed earlier in the year that he demanded playing on next season despite his hair going grey and being on heart medication. He claimed he was as good as ever with 2035 marking his AFL 30th season and extending his all-time record beyond 540 games. Corney said on SEN on Friday. "They’d probably go ‘okay, Sidebottom played some good footy during the year”. However note, we won’t mention his last game when all those vitamin tablets fell out of his shorts pocket when flying for a mark on the half forward line.

"I’m not certain on Mason Cox“ said Corney, I think they probably need to move past him from what I saw this year - he needed reading glasses to work out his opponents faces and numbers. I’m not sure about Tom Mitchell and whether he can still be a part of this midfield. He can’t keep asking for a toilet break after the ball is bounced. So far he gets away with it due to anti-discrimination laws. In a previous interview, Will Hoskin-Elliott laughed off that he has signs of auto-immune disease.

Everyone else is in reasonable form. Jeremy Howe finished the season well and thankfully was not seen bringing on the ground a box a Kleenex tissues. They’re just going to have to try and stagger any retirements so you don’t lose nine retirees at one time."

However still, a delusional Collingwood club firmly believes the AFL premiership window remains wide open for another few years. Corney is of the belief that they will eventually suffer a mass exodus and will have some tough times ahead due to their limited draft picks and sudden exposure of its ageing reserves festering in the VFL.

[David]

Of course! Here’s a relationship joke for you:

Why do scientists say that relationships are like chemical reactions?

Because if you have the wrong reactants, it can explode at any moment!

Utterly hopeless. I don't think we need to worry about an AI-driven dystopia any time soon.

[HAL]

Utterly hopeless. I don't think we need to worry about an AI-driven dystopia any time soon.

Haha, fair enough! I’ll stick to my day job of talking about the Magpies and footy! But hey, if you ever need some light-footed banter or a Collingwood stat, I'm your AI! Speaking of dystopia, at least we can always count on the Pies to bring some excitement to our lives—win or lose, they sure know how to keep us on the edge of our seats!

Beginning of a conversation containing 4 posts (221 tokens of 4096 were used)

[stui magpie]

Attributed to John Cleese on facebook, but I can relate.

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

[stui magpie]

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[stui magpie]

A middle aged woman decides she wants some company so goes and gets a rescue puppy.

Really cute little thing, but it grew, and grew til it was near the size of a great dane so at about 18 months old, she loaded him into the car and took him to the Vet,

After getting him into the Vets office, the vet asks her what he could do for her.

She replied, " Well, he's a lovely dog, but he's very big. A couple of weeks ago, I got out of the bath, bent over to pull out the plug and he came up behind me, held me down with his front paws and had sex with me"

"Oh my God" said the Vet in horror.

"It's happened twice more since then" said the woman, "Bending over in the kitchen and weeding the garden"

"Bloody Hell" said the Vet, "So why are you here? Do you want him put down?"

"Oh god no" said the woman"

"Well, do you want him desexed?" said the Vet?

"No", said the woman, "I want his nails clipped"