Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Culprit]

A couple on their first date. Man, "How do you feel about making love?". Woman, "I like it infrequently". Man, "I See, is that one word or two?".

Boss, “So you need some time off?” Me, “Yes my wife died last night”. Boss, “Sorry to hear that, you have my deepest sympathy. How much time do you need?” Me “I think about 10 years if I get good behavior”.

Light Travels faster than sound. That is why some people you meet appear bright until you hear them speak.

[stui magpie]

^

Old but good, except the middle one which is past it's use by date.

[Culprit]

^

Old but good, except the middle one which is past it's use by date.

You know you are old when the same joke comes around 30 years later and you still laugh.

[stui magpie]

Biilly's Fruity Friday one.

Little Johnny comes into the kitchen for breakfast before heading off to school. His mum asks him if he's done his morning chores yet, he says No, so mum tells him to get moving and do them or no breakfast. They live on a farm and part of little Johnny's chores are to feed the animals.

He's feeling hungry and pissed off, so when he's feeding the chickens, he gives one of them a kick. Same happens when feeding the pigs and cows. So when he rocks into the kitchen, mum offers him a bowl of dry cereal for breakfast.

Little Johnny is angry and yells, "what's this? Where's my bacon and eggs and mild for my cereal?"

Mum calmly replies, " I saw you kick a chicken, a pig and a cow, so no eggs, bacon or milk for you for a week"

Right then, Dad walks into the kitchen. The cat attacks his feet and he kicks it across the room.


Little Johnny looks at his mum with a smirk and says, " Are you going to tell him or will I?"

[think positive]

hehe!

[stui magpie]

Old mate takes his 2 taxidermied dogs into the antiques roadshow, He's had them for years and they look like it.

"Ohhhh" said the presenter when they saw them, "They're a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would have fetched when they were in good condition?"

"Yeah" says old mate, "Sticks and tennis balls"

[stui magpie]

An unusual Pizza order
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza ...?
GOOGLE: No sir , it's Google Pizza ...
CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number ... Sorry ...
GOOGLE: No sir , Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month ...
CALLER: OK . I would like to order a pizza ...
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual , sir ..?
CALLER: My usual .? Do You know me ..?
GOOGLE: According to our "caller ID" data sheet , the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses , sausage , pepperoni , mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust ...
CALLER: OK .! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta , arugula , sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust ...?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables ...
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good , sir ...
CALLER: How the hell do you know ..?
GOOGLE: Well , we cross-referenced your home phone number with your "medical records" ...
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years ...
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza ..! I already take medication for my cholesterol ...
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir , but you have not taken your medication regularly ...
According to our database , you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once , at Drug RX Network , 4 months ago ...
CALLER: I also bought more , from ANOTHER drugstore ...
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement ...
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement ...
CALLER: I have other sources of cash ...
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source , which is against the law ...
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL ...!! ?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry , sir , we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you ...
CALLER: Enough already ..! I'm sick to death of Google , Facebook , Twitter , WhatsApp and all the others ...
I'm going to an island without internet , cable TV , where there is no Mobile phone service , and no one to watch me or spy on me ...
GOOGLE: I understand sir , but you need to renew your passport first ..
It expired 6 weeks ago …

[stui magpie]

3 Golf Clubs walk into a bar.

The Pitching wedge orders a pint of beer.
The putter also orders a pint of beer.
The bartender turns to the 3rd club and says "I suppose you'll have a pint of beer too?"

"Nah" said the 3rd club, "I'm the driver"