the best joke i heard last week came from my butcher.
He reckons it's a Richmond Essendon grand-final and a Tigers flag.
(r.i.t.s.l.m.h.o.)
(Rolling in the saw-dust, laughing my head off).
Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
Moderator: bbmods
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5150
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A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father... Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks for a while and then says
"Right son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Dane Swan for a million dollars."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with Dane Swan for a million dollars."
"OK son," says his dad.. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says
"Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with Dane Swan for a million dollars."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million dollars - Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
His Dad thinks for a while and then says
"Right son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Dane Swan for a million dollars."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with Dane Swan for a million dollars."
"OK son," says his dad.. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says
"Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with Dane Swan for a million dollars."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million dollars - Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
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5150
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- Joined: Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:36 pm
For Fatboy - RIP
In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die",
whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne , "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help
our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm
IN IT TO WIN IT".
Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia's hand in his
right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia . "Amen", said Wayne .
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would
like to do the same."
In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die",
whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne , "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help
our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm
IN IT TO WIN IT".
Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia's hand in his
right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia . "Amen", said Wayne .
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would
like to do the same."
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think positive
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Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
... the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm,
is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a
great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the
room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was
struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't
be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f....ing accident either!'
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
... the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm,
is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a
great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the
room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was
struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't
be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f....ing accident either!'
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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think positive
- Posts: 40186
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
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- Has liked: 212 times
- Been liked: 84 times
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54649
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I just shuddered.think positive wrote:I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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think positive
- Posts: 40186
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haha!! poor Stui!!
this better??
Women always say that giving birth is way way more painful than a guy getting
kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it'd be nice to
have another baby".
You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn't mind another kick in the nuts".
Case closed.
this better??
Women always say that giving birth is way way more painful than a guy getting
kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it'd be nice to
have another baby".
You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn't mind another kick in the nuts".
Case closed.
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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5150
- Posts: 8059
- Joined: Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:36 pm
WORLD WIDE PHONE SURVEY
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54649
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Apologies in advance, I know it's borderline racist and stereotyping, but I thought it was funny. Maybe I'm channeling the energy watch dude.
Q How do you know when your house has been burgled by Asians?
A. Your cat has been microwaved, your homework has been done, your playstation has been repaired and they're still trying to reverse out of your driveway.
{runs now}
Q How do you know when your house has been burgled by Asians?
A. Your cat has been microwaved, your homework has been done, your playstation has been repaired and they're still trying to reverse out of your driveway.
{runs now}
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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think positive
- Posts: 40186
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 212 times
- Been liked: 84 times
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think positive
- Posts: 40186
- Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm
- Location: somewhere
- Has liked: 212 times
- Been liked: 84 times
Hehehe!stui magpie wrote:Apologies in advance, I know it's borderline racist and stereotyping, but I thought it was funny. Maybe I'm channeling the energy watch dude.
Q How do you know when your house has been burgled by Asians?
A. Your cat has been microwaved, your homework has been done, your playstation has been repaired and they're still trying to reverse out of your driveway.
{runs now}
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
