An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
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Tannin
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stui magpie
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One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CNUT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and CNUT means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW PHUCK!!", she yelled. "What's PHuck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cnuts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen phucking the turkey!
Had to do some spelling modifications to get past the swear filter.
Out of the mouths of kids.
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CNUT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and CNUT means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW PHUCK!!", she yelled. "What's PHuck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cnuts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen phucking the turkey!
Had to do some spelling modifications to get past the swear filter.
Out of the mouths of kids.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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Kingswood
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Morrigu
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I love this one !
Air emergency
The aircraft was cruising at thirty-five thousand feet and everyone had just finished having their lunch. The soft whining of the engines was coaxing passengers to sleep. Sitting in economy class , row 22 seat B, was an Anaesthetist wiggling his toes in an attempt to prevent deep vein thrombosis developing in his feet.
As he sipped a complimentary glass of water , a frantic message came over the public address system; "Anaesthetist urgently needed for someone in Business Class!"
Hoping that someone else would get up, the Anaesthetist pretended not to hear and looked out of the window. The call came again; "Please ... we urgently need an Anaesthetist for someone in Business Class "
Perhaps this was serious . Why did they need an Anesthetist ? Maybe it was a cardiac arrest! Trying to recall the ABC's , the Anaesthetist got the attention of one of the cabin staff.
They were so relieved; "Thank you Sir, for volunteering to help us. There is this gentleman who needs your urgent assistance in Business Class".The anaesthetist was taken to the Business Class section.
Wow! There was so much space. It was another world compared to the cramped Economy Class. But where was the patient ? There were only a few passengers , and all were asleep except one of them who was reading a newspaper. Nobody seemed to be in any distress. This was perplexing .
Suddenly the man reading the newspaper looked up. He was a rather well fed gentleman and had a grumpy voice; " Are you an Anaesthetist ?"
"Yes ... ?" "Oh .. that's great! I am an Orthopedic Surgeon , and have been looking for an Anaesthetist . So glad that they managed to find one ...."
This was getting frightening. Was this man trying to do surgery in this aircraft ? The nervous Anaesthetist managed to ask ; "How may I help you ?"
The surgeon replied; "Well I have been trying to read this newspaper ...but the reading light isn't aimed correctly. Can you please adjust it for me ...."
Air emergency
The aircraft was cruising at thirty-five thousand feet and everyone had just finished having their lunch. The soft whining of the engines was coaxing passengers to sleep. Sitting in economy class , row 22 seat B, was an Anaesthetist wiggling his toes in an attempt to prevent deep vein thrombosis developing in his feet.
As he sipped a complimentary glass of water , a frantic message came over the public address system; "Anaesthetist urgently needed for someone in Business Class!"
Hoping that someone else would get up, the Anaesthetist pretended not to hear and looked out of the window. The call came again; "Please ... we urgently need an Anaesthetist for someone in Business Class "
Perhaps this was serious . Why did they need an Anesthetist ? Maybe it was a cardiac arrest! Trying to recall the ABC's , the Anaesthetist got the attention of one of the cabin staff.
They were so relieved; "Thank you Sir, for volunteering to help us. There is this gentleman who needs your urgent assistance in Business Class".The anaesthetist was taken to the Business Class section.
Wow! There was so much space. It was another world compared to the cramped Economy Class. But where was the patient ? There were only a few passengers , and all were asleep except one of them who was reading a newspaper. Nobody seemed to be in any distress. This was perplexing .
Suddenly the man reading the newspaper looked up. He was a rather well fed gentleman and had a grumpy voice; " Are you an Anaesthetist ?"
"Yes ... ?" "Oh .. that's great! I am an Orthopedic Surgeon , and have been looking for an Anaesthetist . So glad that they managed to find one ...."
This was getting frightening. Was this man trying to do surgery in this aircraft ? The nervous Anaesthetist managed to ask ; "How may I help you ?"
The surgeon replied; "Well I have been trying to read this newspaper ...but the reading light isn't aimed correctly. Can you please adjust it for me ...."
“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”
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think positive
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hehehe! did not see that coming!!!Morrigu wrote:I love this one !
Air emergency
The aircraft was cruising at thirty-five thousand feet and everyone had just finished having their lunch. The soft whining of the engines was coaxing passengers to sleep. Sitting in economy class , row 22 seat B, was an Anaesthetist wiggling his toes in an attempt to prevent deep vein thrombosis developing in his feet.
As he sipped a complimentary glass of water , a frantic message came over the public address system; "Anaesthetist urgently needed for someone in Business Class!"
Hoping that someone else would get up, the Anaesthetist pretended not to hear and looked out of the window. The call came again; "Please ... we urgently need an Anaesthetist for someone in Business Class "
Perhaps this was serious . Why did they need an Anesthetist ? Maybe it was a cardiac arrest! Trying to recall the ABC's , the Anaesthetist got the attention of one of the cabin staff.
They were so relieved; "Thank you Sir, for volunteering to help us. There is this gentleman who needs your urgent assistance in Business Class".The anaesthetist was taken to the Business Class section.
Wow! There was so much space. It was another world compared to the cramped Economy Class. But where was the patient ? There were only a few passengers , and all were asleep except one of them who was reading a newspaper. Nobody seemed to be in any distress. This was perplexing .
Suddenly the man reading the newspaper looked up. He was a rather well fed gentleman and had a grumpy voice; " Are you an Anaesthetist ?"
"Yes ... ?" "Oh .. that's great! I am an Orthopedic Surgeon , and have been looking for an Anaesthetist . So glad that they managed to find one ...."
This was getting frightening. Was this man trying to do surgery in this aircraft ? The nervous Anaesthetist managed to ask ; "How may I help you ?"
The surgeon replied; "Well I have been trying to read this newspaper ...but the reading light isn't aimed correctly. Can you please adjust it for me ...."
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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stui magpie
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stui magpie
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luvdids
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THE ETHICS OF GOLF
No one ever promised all decisions would be easy!
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found It!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
No one ever promised all decisions would be easy!
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found It!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
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Morrigu
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On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer!!
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer!!
“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”