Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 6:31 pm

Therefore you are.

Post by **stui magpie** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 7:31 pm

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Two, but the trick is getting them in there.

What has 75 balls and makes old ladies excited?
- A bingo machine.

Which would you rather be... a bowling ball or a lightbulb?
- It depends on whether you want to be fingered or screwed.

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
-The Spice Girls.

Post by **think positive** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 8:41 pm

stui magpie wrote:A ventriloquist touring Victoria, walks into a small village in Gippsland and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. Lets call the local, for want of a better name, Swoop.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Swoop: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid townie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Swoop: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this bloke your owner?" (pointing at the local)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Swoop: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Swoop: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Swoop: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the local)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Swoop: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your Goat?"

Swoop: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!!" :

Culprit · Post by **Culprit** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 7:29 pm

Post by **think positive** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 9:19 pm

Carlton

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 9:20 pm

I lost my train of thought.

Post by **think positive** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 9:21 pm

Not me

Post by **Dark Beanie** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 2:43 pm

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.

'Yes,' he replies.

'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.

'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..

The boy looks at her incredulously and says:

"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

Post by **stui magpie** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 6:07 pm

^

Post by **stui magpie** » Wed Aug 20, 2014 7:50 pm

Talking to a mate today about marriage. He's always been a bit indecisive.

He reckons it's great. He's been married for 10 years and hasn't made a single decision for 9.

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Wed Aug 20, 2014 7:53 pm

What do they say?

Pi · Post by Pi » Thu Oct 09, 2014 7:57 pm

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Post by **stui magpie** » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:11 pm

Skids · Post by **Skids** » Wed Feb 11, 2015 10:39 am

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money."
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered..

"Well .... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....

...tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

Culprit · Post by **Culprit** » Wed Feb 25, 2015 8:49 am

After seeing 50 Shades of Grey a frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband eventually asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

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Jokes Jokes and More Jokes