Coronavirus 3 - Al Pacino's turn to mumble

[watt price tully]

Whilst it’s sad to not really have any big family Christmas anymore, I don’t miss the fights!

I don’t think my mums family have even gotten together at all since her mum passed away. Whilst Dad was an only child so that side of the family is easy and now Nan is too frail to bring down, Christmas will be very quiet

Off topic, but does anyone have experience moving older people into nursing homes who refuse to go?

If it is appropriate you can call the local area mental health team if there are any mental health issues ( does she have dementia?)

This link provides the contact

http://www.health.vic.gov.au/mentalhealthservices/

Has anyone been appointed a Power of Attorney (POA) ? Really important to get that done if she consents.

Otherwise try the GP and local Aged Care Assessment Team

[think positive]

Whilst it’s sad to not really have any big family Christmas anymore, I don’t miss the fights!

I don’t think my mums family have even gotten together at all since her mum passed away. Whilst Dad was an only child so that side of the family is easy and now Nan is too frail to bring down, Christmas will be very quiet

Off topic, but does anyone have experience moving older people into nursing homes who refuse to go?

ooooh yeah, 4 of them, what do you need to know!

How to do it? She lied through her teeth for her last assessment and said she’ll fight any attempt to do it. Refuses to ever see a doctor, current plan is to tell her they need to do a review of her current supports to have a new assessment and go from there.

see WPT

does she have dementia? if she can lie through her teeth its early days if she does.

Its not easy. first up my mum. she left my dad after 44 years of horrible abuse, got breast cancer, lived a while then got a brain tumour the size of a golf ball, a couple of years later she drover her car under the side of a truck, in that time i moved her to three different units, 1 to get away from dad, 2 so she could walk or use a scooter to get to town, 3 because it was around the corner from me, and she could walk to coles/big w in 5 min. then she fell over in the middle of the road, next after a heatwave i arrived to find her on the floor between the shower and the door, i had to call an ambulance, she went to will hospital and i found her a place in as nursing home. she hated it. its long documented my struggles in the what pisses me off thread. 2 years of hell. she got dementia and then her body started to fail. she lived at least a year too long. I would not put my dog through it.

then my mother and father in law together. He went down hill when my BIL Ian died of cancer in 2017, it got worse when my SIL lost her hubby to a truck accident in 2018, he clearly had dementia, we had to go through the whole vicroads thing when clearly he could not drive. I took him for the test. all of them actually. we came back from the US and the next day i took my MIL to get a chest xray, on the way to the car I had to stop ring my SIL and tell her this is not a chest cold. I was sadly right. her cancer was back and with a pacemaker there was nothing they could do. 2 weeks later we convinced them to go into a home, its magnificent, like a hotel, this my friend, is key. You have to find one they are comfortable in. My MIL was a little strange her whole life, she had problems, but she was a lovely woman. she had diabieties, and would order vegie soup and sticky date when ever we ate out!! I loved her as my own. she was in there 6 days, she made sure my FIL was ok, and she ate breakfast, showered, dressed in her own clothes and lipstick, i never saw that woman without her red lipstick, and she sat in her chair from home, and she went to sleep. it was the perfect ending. meanwhile we had to tell Bill everyday for weeks she was gone....

Then my awful father got sick, really sick, i wont bore you with his story, ill just say even the devil does not want him. he was in hospital for a while, and clearly was not going back to his smelly horrible, disgusting filthy unit (me and hubby cleaned it out!!). The nursing home my inlaws were at love me, so i got him in there, but i warned them!! he is happy there. waited on hand and foot. still treats me like shit, and im still the only kid doing anything for my parents! anyhow, he was easy, he is a narcistic pig. the home is far too good for him.

Today my SILs finally gave the okay for bill to go into palliative care, the needle starts tonight, i went with hubby this afternoon, and my daughter this evening as she wanted to say goodbye. Bill has treated the nursing home like everything else in his life, respect, love, and manners. They all love him. I love him. my heart is breaking. clearly.

and the devil will live on.

what do you do? You be patient and gentle as you can, but firm. Why is it necessary? is it her health or and her mental state? You accompany her to the appointments so She cant lie through her teeth and you get that power of attorney, as WPT said. you visit a few places, make sure they are close, because you will go more than you think you will. You find the one that suits. Can you do respite care there first? dont worry the cost, my dad is pennyless but they have to take a few in each place, and our taxes support them. its not as bad as you think, the home he is in is $740 a fortnight, and they are amazing, the staff, the food, its a hotel.

and you be kind to yourself. It wont be easy, and if one day you get to the carpark and you cant go in, do not beat yourself up. its hard. and most importantly, its probably not her. its her disease. fill out the forms, be very clear on end of life. and if you are not happy with the home you choose, then move her. take my advice, dont fight it, it kills a piece of you, find another.

if she has dementai make a large format book, photobookshop has them really cheap on special, 1 pic a page of her family with a large name on it. and pics of herself named too, doing the things she loved. surround her with the familiar, her chair, her perfume, her soap, a dvd player and her movies.

if you have a question i will glady answer, pm me. i wish you all the best.

Nursing homes should be Gods waiting rooms, and not the last hell on earth.
cheers,

[think positive]

and i know my spelling is crap, i really dont give a ****!

[eddiesmith]

Thank you to you both, great help

I’m not sure if it’s early dementia or just crazy. The main problem is she thinks she can look after herself but it’s too much of a strain on the family to ha e someone always going over to make sure she’s ok. Then there are regular problems always popping up. The other day she rang to say her phone wasn’t working, rang 4-5 times before someone noticed and returned her call.

Yet when o arrived she says she never called, she’d never bother us. The day before was my nephews birthday, sister took both her boys to see their great grandmother and they got in, but when they arrived she’d put the chain on the door even though she knew they were coming because she was convinced my sister had taken all her money. Her bank account has been steady all year!

So yes we have power of attorney and sister controls her banking online, pays all her bills. But apparently we aren’t authorised for my aged care, so those forms are coming. Last assessment she had her sister present but this time hopefully my sister will go to ensure they get the real truth. Like she told them she still cooks, no!

Basic problem is other than mental side of things, she needs a walker. So since Covid the only times she’s left the house was to move into her sisters and then to go back to her house. She was forced to have the assessment after she had a fall and was in hospital before they’d send her he last year. Her legs are badly swollen and she finally allowed us to call a doctor but he just gave her some pills and that was it. Other problem with her lifelong refusal to go to a doctor is the two she liked both retired late last year due to ill health.

She really drives us all crazy, my BIL is the only one she is always nice to so he is the first one we send there now!!!

As for homes, there is a fantastic home that grandpa was in for 18 months before he passed away last year. So that is definitely numero uno on the wish list. Nans cousin is in there now and loving it. But nan has never been close with them but the rest of us are close with that family.

We’ve talked about respite the other week when she seemed completely off her face, once we get the my aged care consent well hopefully get a home visit and start the ball rolling.

[partypie]

Respite can be a good way for a person to see if they will feel comfortable in a facility. My mother enjoyed having company, regular meals and some personal care and for quite some time her life was better than it had been.

[watt price tully]

Thank you to you both, great help

I’m not sure if it’s early dementia or just crazy. The main problem is she thinks she can look after herself but it’s too much of a strain on the family to ha e someone always going over to make sure she’s ok. Then there are regular problems always popping up. The other day she rang to say her phone wasn’t working, rang 4-5 times before someone noticed and returned her call.

Yet when o arrived she says she never called, she’d never bother us. The day before was my nephews birthday, sister took both her boys to see their great grandmother and they got in, but when they arrived she’d put the chain on the door even though she knew they were coming because she was convinced my sister had taken all her money. Her bank account has been steady all year!

So yes we have power of attorney and sister controls her banking online, pays all her bills. But apparently we aren’t authorised for my aged care, so those forms are coming. Last assessment she had her sister present but this time hopefully my sister will go to ensure they get the real truth. Like she told them she still cooks, no!

Basic problem is other than mental side of things, she needs a walker. So since Covid the only times she’s left the house was to move into her sisters and then to go back to her house. She was forced to have the assessment after she had a fall and was in hospital before they’d send her he last year. Her legs are badly swollen and she finally allowed us to call a doctor but he just gave her some pills and that was it. Other problem with her lifelong refusal to go to a doctor is the two she liked both retired late last year due to ill health.

She really drives us all crazy, my BIL is the only one she is always nice to so he is the first one we send there now!!!

As for homes, there is a fantastic home that grandpa was in for 18 months before he passed away last year. So that is definitely numero uno on the wish list. Nans cousin is in there now and loving it. But nan has never been close with them but the rest of us are close with that family.

We’ve talked about respite the other week when she seemed completely off her face, once we get the my aged care consent well hopefully get a home visit and start the ball rolling.

It’s 100% dementia: call the local mental health service: tip: emphasise risks such as (inadvertently) placing herself at risk, oversell don’t undersell. Too many people minimise and mental health teams are expert at saying it’s not for them. Include leaving the gas on, anxiety, paranoid ideas, crazy ideas, that she might think people are taking advantage, etc.

They (mental health team) will want a referral from the GP so talking to the GP might be a good idea.

Get a referral to the memory clinic at the same time.

When u talk with ur Mum fudge it; agree with her. EG, go out shopping with her to get new glasses as an excuse but use that time to see the GP for an eye or ear test
etc.
I used to frame it to Mum that we want to keep you at home with a bit more support so the District Nurse is coming to visit,.....

I’m still doing that with my Mum now.

[think positive]

Thank you to you both, great help

I’m not sure if it’s early dementia or just crazy. The main problem is she thinks she can look after herself but it’s too much of a strain on the family to ha e someone always going over to make sure she’s ok. Then there are regular problems always popping up. The other day she rang to say her phone wasn’t working, rang 4-5 times before someone noticed and returned her call.

Yet when o arrived she says she never called, she’d never bother us. The day before was my nephews birthday, sister took both her boys to see their great grandmother and they got in, but when they arrived she’d put the chain on the door even though she knew they were coming because she was convinced my sister had taken all her money. Her bank account has been steady all year!

So yes we have power of attorney and sister controls her banking online, pays all her bills. But apparently we aren’t authorised for my aged care, so those forms are coming. Last assessment she had her sister present but this time hopefully my sister will go to ensure they get the real truth. Like she told them she still cooks, no!

Basic problem is other than mental side of things, she needs a walker. So since Covid the only times she’s left the house was to move into her sisters and then to go back to her house. She was forced to have the assessment after she had a fall and was in hospital before they’d send her he last year. Her legs are badly swollen and she finally allowed us to call a doctor but he just gave her some pills and that was it. Other problem with her lifelong refusal to go to a doctor is the two she liked both retired late last year due to ill health.

She really drives us all crazy, my BIL is the only one she is always nice to so he is the first one we send there now!!!

As for homes, there is a fantastic home that grandpa was in for 18 months before he passed away last year. So that is definitely numero uno on the wish list. Nans cousin is in there now and loving it. But nan has never been close with them but the rest of us are close with that family.

We’ve talked about respite the other week when she seemed completely off her face, once we get the my aged care consent well hopefully get a home visit and start the ball rolling.

It’s 100% dementia: call the local mental health service: tip: emphasise risks such as (inadvertently) placing herself at risk, oversell don’t undersell. Too many people minimise and mental health teams are expert at saying it’s not for them. Include leaving the gas on, anxiety, paranoid ideas, crazy ideas, that she might think people are taking advantage, etc.

They (mental health team) will want a referral from the GP so talking to the GP might be a good idea.

Get a referral to the memory clinic at the same time.

When u talk with ur Mum fudge it; agree with her. EG, go out shopping with her to get new glasses as an excuse but use that time to see the GP for an eye or ear test
etc.
I used to frame it to Mum that we want to keep you at home with a bit more support so the District Nurse is coming to visit,.....

I’m still doing that with my Mum now.

this 100 %. It’s like turning the parent child relationship on its head, it’s not easy, I lovethe way WPT gets his mum to the doc. Etc, and She will resist. But it’s vital. It would be a scary disease as it takes effect, I’m sure my mum especially knew she was losing it. you can’t fix that, however support is needed whether they resist or not. Support and reassurance. Good luck mate.

[partypie]

WPT and TP - your wise words make me really appreciate this site. I’d just like to say that in my experience, dementia seems to cycle in and out, so sometimes a person is fully cognisant, and a couple of days later they have lost it. My mother confessed to me that she and her mates used to practice answers to the memory test, and that she had been asked so many times to spell the word world backwards she could never forget how to. It’s nice to look back on those times and laugh about it. I miss the old bag and taking her to see the Pies

[think positive]

Cheers. Reading back just now I kinda lost it that night!

Your right at first it does cycle, and for me thats the really hard part, I could see my mum knew at times that, well at other times she wasn’t with it anymore. It terrifies me to think I’ll end up like that,,

The last 2 days I have spent a lot of time with my beloved father in law, been on my own, with hubby and took both kids to say goodbye... thefamily consented to morphine on Monday night.

Bill passed away at 4am this morning. He is at peace, he turned 90 on our shared birthday in October. A life so so well lived, A man I will be forever grateful that I had in my life for almost 30 years. A gentle soul, A father to me, no less because we didn’t share the same blood. RIP Bill, reunited with his wife and 2 other sons. Ian will be waiting with a beer and fishing rods! Cheers

[David]

Father figures aren’t always the ones who raised us, but it’s a beautiful and special relationship wherever we can find them. Condolences, Jo.

[think positive]

Father figures aren’t always the ones who raised us, but it’s a beautiful and special relationship wherever we can find them. Condolences, Jo.

so so true David, thankyou xxxx

[djh]

My condolences too, think positive.

[stui magpie]

Cheers. Reading back just now I kinda lost it that night!

Your right at first it does cycle, and for me thats the really hard part, I could see my mum knew at times that, well at other times she wasn’t with it anymore. It terrifies me to think I’ll end up like that,,

The last 2 days I have spent a lot of time with my beloved father in law, been on my own, with hubby and took both kids to say goodbye... thefamily consented to morphine on Monday night.

Bill passed away at 4am this morning. He is at peace, he turned 90 on our shared birthday in October. A life so so well lived, A man I will be forever grateful that I had in my life for almost 30 years. A gentle soul, A father to me, no less because we didn’t share the same blood. RIP Bill, reunited with his wife and 2 other sons. Ian will be waiting with a beer and fishing rods! Cheers

The good old morphine drip, does the trick. Like you said, good bloke, life well lived, he's at peace now but lives on still in your memories..

[think positive]

thanks DJH and Stui,
much appreciated xxx

cheers

[watt price tully]

Cheers. Reading back just now I kinda lost it that night!

Your right at first it does cycle, and for me thats the really hard part, I could see my mum knew at times that, well at other times she wasn’t with it anymore. It terrifies me to think I’ll end up like that,,

The last 2 days I have spent a lot of time with my beloved father in law, been on my own, with hubby and took both kids to say goodbye... thefamily consented to morphine on Monday night.

Bill passed away at 4am this morning. He is at peace, he turned 90 on our shared birthday in October. A life so so well lived, A man I will be forever grateful that I had in my life for almost 30 years. A gentle soul, A father to me, no less because we didn’t share the same blood. RIP Bill, reunited with his wife and 2 other sons. Ian will be waiting with a beer and fishing rods! Cheers

Sorry to hear TP: condolences to you and ur family.