An oldie but it still makes me laugh:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFm5h5GM1BY
Jokes Jokes and More Jokes
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watt price tully
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Skids
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Don't count the days, make the days count.
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stui magpie
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54841
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stui magpie
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A young child asked their Mum the age old question, "Where did I come from?"
Mum smiled and said:
A few years ago, your mummy and daddy decided to grow a very special plant.
Your father planted the seed and I tended to it lovingly every day, for months and months.
I would sing to it, talk to it, waiting for the day to come.
Finally, the day came, that plant was ready.
So we cut it up, dried it and smoked it and both got so fkn high we forgot to use a condom
Mum smiled and said:
A few years ago, your mummy and daddy decided to grow a very special plant.
Your father planted the seed and I tended to it lovingly every day, for months and months.
I would sing to it, talk to it, waiting for the day to come.
Finally, the day came, that plant was ready.
So we cut it up, dried it and smoked it and both got so fkn high we forgot to use a condom
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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eddiesmith
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stui magpie
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stui magpie
- Posts: 54841
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Apparently this is the worlds funniest joke
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke
Personally, I think this one is funnier.
Two guys are out hiking in the woods when suddenly a large Bear appears and growling menacingly, starts to move toward them.
One man drops his backpack on the ground, rips off his hiking boots and starts putting on running shoes.
The other man says to him, "what are you doing? Are you nuts? You can't outrun a Bear"
The first man replies, " I don't need to outrun the Bear, I just need to outrun you"
Heard it on the radio this morning, validated by Wiki.Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke
Personally, I think this one is funnier.
Two guys are out hiking in the woods when suddenly a large Bear appears and growling menacingly, starts to move toward them.
One man drops his backpack on the ground, rips off his hiking boots and starts putting on running shoes.
The other man says to him, "what are you doing? Are you nuts? You can't outrun a Bear"
The first man replies, " I don't need to outrun the Bear, I just need to outrun you"
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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think positive
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hehe, true that!
There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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stui magpie
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stui magpie
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Bills daily groaned, slightly remastered
I went to see a Hypnotist last night
He had 6 audience members up on stage fully hypnotised when he stumbled, dropped the microphone on his foot and loudly exclaimed "Fck Me"
What happened next will haunt me forever.
I went to see a Hypnotist last night
He had 6 audience members up on stage fully hypnotised when he stumbled, dropped the microphone on his foot and loudly exclaimed "Fck Me"
What happened next will haunt me forever.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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stui magpie
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Billy's daily groaner, again slightly reworked and this ones for TP.
A Policeman sees a woman drive past who is knitting while driving
He puts the siren on and takes off after her
Gets up beside and yells out to her, Pull Over
No reaction, so he puts down the passenger window and yells again Pull Over.
The woman looks up him and yells back, Nah.
It's a scarf.
A Policeman sees a woman drive past who is knitting while driving
He puts the siren on and takes off after her
Gets up beside and yells out to her, Pull Over
No reaction, so he puts down the passenger window and yells again Pull Over.
The woman looks up him and yells back, Nah.
It's a scarf.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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think positive
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stui magpie wrote:Bills daily groaned, slightly remastered
I went to see a Hypnotist last night
He had 6 audience members up on stage fully hypnotised when he stumbled, dropped the microphone on his foot and loudly exclaimed "Fck Me"
What happened next will haunt me forever.
Hehehe, I just woke my sister laughing!
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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stui magpie
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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest…
…when the bear almost catches the rabbit, they run into a magical frog who stops them. The frog says “I am a magical frog and you both can make 3 wishes that I will make come true”.
The bear shouts “I go first! I go first! I want all the other bears in this forest to be hot female bears!!!”
The frog waits 2 seconds and says “your wish is granted. Now, what is your first wish, rabbit?”
The rabbit says “I want to have a cool motorcycle helmet”
The frog frowns but says “your wish shall be granted.” and ploop a beautiful cool motorcycle helmet appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit. “You again bear”
The bear is jumping impatiently on his feet and shouts “yes, yes, uhmm, I want all the bears in the forests next to this forest to be hot female bears also!!”
The frog waits 2 seconds and says “Your wish is granted. Your turn rabbit”
The rabbit says “I want a new and very fast motorcycle.”
The frog is looking a bit puzzled at the rabbit, but sighs and says “your wish shall be granted.” and ploop a beautiful motorcycle appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit.
“Ok bear” says the frog “your last wish”
The bear can almost not hold his excitement and replies “yes yes yes I know! I want all the other bears in all the forests on the entire planet earth to be extremely hot female bears!!!”
After a deep sigh the magic frog says “your wish is granted”
“Now rabbit, your 3rd wish. It is your final wish so better make it a good one” says the frog.
The rabbit puts his shiny helmet on, steps onto his motorcycle, kicks the ignition to start the engine and pulls the throttle a few times making the engine roar. Then he looks with a cheeky smile at the bear before turning to the frog and says: “Here is my final wish…” He points at the bear and says “I want that bear to be gay” and with thundering engine the rabbit pulls off into the forest…
The magical frog follows him in the distance and mumbles “your wish is granted.”
…when the bear almost catches the rabbit, they run into a magical frog who stops them. The frog says “I am a magical frog and you both can make 3 wishes that I will make come true”.
The bear shouts “I go first! I go first! I want all the other bears in this forest to be hot female bears!!!”
The frog waits 2 seconds and says “your wish is granted. Now, what is your first wish, rabbit?”
The rabbit says “I want to have a cool motorcycle helmet”
The frog frowns but says “your wish shall be granted.” and ploop a beautiful cool motorcycle helmet appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit. “You again bear”
The bear is jumping impatiently on his feet and shouts “yes, yes, uhmm, I want all the bears in the forests next to this forest to be hot female bears also!!”
The frog waits 2 seconds and says “Your wish is granted. Your turn rabbit”
The rabbit says “I want a new and very fast motorcycle.”
The frog is looking a bit puzzled at the rabbit, but sighs and says “your wish shall be granted.” and ploop a beautiful motorcycle appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit.
“Ok bear” says the frog “your last wish”
The bear can almost not hold his excitement and replies “yes yes yes I know! I want all the other bears in all the forests on the entire planet earth to be extremely hot female bears!!!”
After a deep sigh the magic frog says “your wish is granted”
“Now rabbit, your 3rd wish. It is your final wish so better make it a good one” says the frog.
The rabbit puts his shiny helmet on, steps onto his motorcycle, kicks the ignition to start the engine and pulls the throttle a few times making the engine roar. Then he looks with a cheeky smile at the bear before turning to the frog and says: “Here is my final wish…” He points at the bear and says “I want that bear to be gay” and with thundering engine the rabbit pulls off into the forest…
The magical frog follows him in the distance and mumbles “your wish is granted.”
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
