The Truth About Hawthorn.

[Sly]

In the never-ending quest for ratings and hits, The Collingwood Rant contacted the President of the pace-setting Hawthorn Football Club, Ian Dicker, for an interview. Here's the transcript of that interview.

Sly: Thank you for joining us at The Collingwood Rant, Mr. Dicker.
Ian Dicker: It's my pleasure, Sly. I must admit to a certain surprise to being contacted by the Webmaster of an opposition fansite.
Sly: Well, Hawthorn are news. An 8-0 opening to the Season - your best start ever. You certainly must be happy with the Coaching Staff.
Dicker: Yes, we certainly have been happy with Dermie.
Sly {surprised}: Dermie? I meant Peter Schwab - your Senior Coach.
Dicker: Oh, Schwabby? Yeah, sure. He's been great, too. We feel he can really deliver a strong and united Hawthorn unit to Dermie.
Sly: Deliver?
Dicker: Well, of course. You don't really think we'd ask Dermie to take over a struggling Club, do you? As soon Schwabby can deliver a Top 4 Team, Dermie will be taking the reins.
Sly: That's a little unfair, isn't it?
Dicker: Yeah, we felt so, too. Dermie really should be entitled to take over a Team who's had a Top 2 finish, but we're not sure Scwabby's capable of that. Well, live and learn.
Sly: But why?
Dicker: Profile and glamour, Sly, profile and glamor. Dermott Brereton has it, Alan Schwab hasn't.
Sly: It's "Peter" Schwab.
Dicker: Oh, really?
Sly: Yeah.
Dicker: Well, then, there's my point.
Sly: All right, let's move on. John Barker's been a revelation for you.
Dicker: Oh, Clive's been fantastic!
Sly: "Clive"? Oh. You've nicknamed him that after horror-author "Clive Barker".
Dicker: Hey! That's pretty good! We'd actually nicknamed him "Clive" after the orangutan in the Clint Eastwood movie "Every Which Way But Loose."
Sly: That's "Clyde" not "Clive."
Dicker: Really?
Sly: Yeah.
Dicker: Whoa, this just gets better and better.
Sly: Okay, let's talk about your members.
Dicker: No bunny-rabbit and zoo-animal jokes, please.
Sly: Of course. Now you have 30 thousand members, but allegedly you only average 9 thousand members attending per-match. How do you explain that?
Dicker: Sly, you've got to understand that Hawthorn-members are everywhere. From the Ivy League Colleges of the United States to Great Britain to France to the lost continent of Atlantis to Russia to Germany and so on. We're worldwide, baby!
Sly: Ah, one of those places is actually a myth.
Dicker: Oh, come on now, Sly. Don't be so provincial. The United States won their independence from the British hundreds of years ago - they exist.
Sly: Of course, how silly of me. So the reason you're only averaging 9 thousand attending members per match is because the others are spread far and wide around the world?
Dicker: Exactly.
Sly: Why join, then? What's the purpose of becoming a member if you live in, say, London, and you'll never see a match?
Dicker: Sly, people may say that Collingwood are the Envy of a Nation, but we are the Envy of a Train Station.
Sly: The Envy of a Train Station?
Dicker: That's right. Inevitably, all trains head into the city, right?
Sly: I guess so.
Dicker: And no matter where you catch a train, it heads into the city, right?
Sly: Again, I guess so.
Dicker: And that's the thing about Hawthorn. No matter where you become a member, no matter when you can attend a match, inevitably, ultimately, all paths leads to Hawthorn - just like all trains lead to the city. We are the envy of a Train Station.
Sly: What about this perception that the Hawthorn players are little more than glamour-boys?
Dicker: Now that's just ridiculous, Sly.
Sly: Oh?
Dicker: Look, it's like we were telling the CLEO people-
Sly: CLEO Magazine?
Dicker: Yes - they were shooting a pictorial for the Club. But it's like I was telling them, we wanted to overcome this imagine with some rugged, everyday shots.
Sly: Rugged shots? Like the players snow-skiing?
Dicker: That's a good one, but we had to veto any snow-pictorials.
Sly: Why's that?
Dicker: The guys might've caught a cold, Sly.
Sly: Rock-climbing?
Dicker: Some of the players are afraid of heights.
Sly: Hiking?
Dicker: Too sweaty.
Sly: Water-skiing?
Dicker: The water messes up the players' hair.
Sly: Bowling?
Dicker: Broken fingernails.
Sly: Cricket?
Dicker: Ball's too hard.
Sly: Tennis.
Dicker: Too much unattractive grunting.
Sly: Scrabble.
Dicker: Close - but some of the guys can't spell.
Sly: Then what exactly?
Dicker: Monopoly. Oh, Sly, watching those players imagine they're losing money with property investments and development - it'd bring a tear to your eye. How they struggled!
Sly: So let me get this straight: to try and shed the glamour-boy imagine, you had CLEO Magazine take a rugged pictorial of your players playing Monopoly?
Dicker: Come on, Sly, don't sound so condescending. Monopoly's not an easy game.
Sly: I imagine not. Getting back to Football, but the Hawks take on the Bombers this week. Bizarrely, the game's been kept at Colonial Stadium. You must be disappointed that the game wasn't moved to the MCG.
Dicker: Oh, definitely, Sly, definitely. We feel that the MCG has so many more seats that we could fail to fill. Imagine those vast empty spaces. Only the MCG can truly showcase those. At Colonial, as long as you get a decent attendance, that emptiness is just scattered. Only the MCG can emphasize and accentuate those huge gulfs, those black holes of non-attendance.
Sly: Why would you want to showcase a lack of attendance and support?
Dicker: Well, we are being underwritten by the AFL, Sly.
Sly: And when exactly will that end?
Dicker: When we become financially secure.
Sly: And when will that occur?
Dicker: When we no longer have to be underwritten.
Sly: It's a vicious circle, isn't it?
Dicker: Depending on which side of the circle you're standing on.
Sly: Ian Dicker, thank you for joining us at TCR.
Dicker: You're welcome, Sly. Thank you for having me.



<B>Sly.
<FONT size="3">MTA.</FONT s>
The Collingwood Rant. </B>

[Black_White]

Fantastic interview! LOL
I dare you to post it on the official Hawks Forum this week. i'm sure Kate would let it go through.

-Craig

P.S. I'll be watching for it.

The Phoenix Is Arising

[Sly]

Thanks, guys.

Where's the Official Hawthorn Forum?


<B>Sly.
<FONT size="3">MTA.</FONT s>
The Collingwood Rant. </B>

[Black_White]

www.hawthornfc.com.au then look for the link to "fans forum. It is run by sportsview (Eddie) who also run Collingwoods forum. If you are signed in at Collingwood you are automatically signed in at Hawthorn. (also demons, bulldogs...though they don't let other fans post, and carlton)
BTW, there is a hawks fan that posts as "Sly77", any relation?

-Craig

The Phoenix Is Arising

[Sly]

Thanks, Black_White.

Nope, no relation to Sly77. He even took a shot at me for having "his" name. Typical of these Hawthorn sponges trying to live of our fame!

S.

[Broadie]

Brilliant.

When's the Drum interview?

Broadie

[timagpie]

UM BUT DOESN'T COLLINGWOOD HAVE A TRAIN STOP CALLED
"VICTORIA PARK"
IT IS DIRECTLY OUTSIDE BEHIDE THE RUSH STAND AND YES THIS LINE DOES LEAD TO THE CITY


GOOD OLD COLLINGWOOD UNITED FOREVER AND EVER AMEN GOD BLESS THEM ALL