Nick's Posting XXII: Round 1 vs Buddy And The Swanettes

[swoop42]

NICK'S POSTING XXII ROUND 1 2016 VS SYDNEY SWANS

I warned you all.

Some favourite sons and daughters have been sent packaging to the VFL this week due to lack of form and/or posting.

Some of the big names missing include David, Think Positive and Magpie Bat amongst a host of others.

Hell even our new deputy vice captain qldmagpie67 has been dropped due to a failure of a hair test.

Not a trace of dim sim to be found. Disgraceful and it wont be tolerated by this coach.

Congratulations to a long time servant of the club Stui Magpie in being named our new captain. Much deserved.

Rudeboy another loyal member has been awarded the vice captaincy.

Well done to all for making the round 1 side but don't get comfortable as our depth is great and will be used if you snooze.

Now get out there and win for the new coach.

Due to being reduced to an android phone at present the team below will be set out in basic form.

F:Dave The Man, Jezza, John Wren

HF:Piesnchess, Watt Price Tully, Rudeboy(VC)

C:Perth Magpie, Tannin, Frankie Goes To Collingwood

HB:Jackcass, Stui Magpie(C), 3rd Degree

B:Pietillidie, Pies4Shaw, Mighty Magpie

Foll:King Monkey, Yin-Yang, Simon Tonna

Int:The Prototype, Neil, Thompsoc, Carringbush Cigar

Emg:Mossi, Woftam, Magpie To The Max

Thai Massage Therapist:Ronrat
Fluffer:David
Voodoo Priest:Lazza
Token:Think Positive
Dim Sim Chef (Steamed):Mugwump
Dim Sim Chef (Fried):E
Goat Herder:Wokko
Football Inflater (Hot Air):Piedys
Angry White Man:Culprit
Furry:Magpie Bat
Ego Stroker:Cuthbert Collingwood
Master Of Lies:Eddie Smith
Rhymes With Smelliot:Melliott

[swoop42]

BREAKING NEWS 8.58pm:Details are still sketchy but some distressing news is breaking tonight out of Ballarat about our much loved coach Maximus Richard Johnson III aka Tannin.

Word coming through is that he was rushed to hospital following a ping pong incident at a nearby RSL but was pronounced dead on arrival. This is yet to be confirmed.

Two other prominent Nicksters were allegedly at the scene.

More to follow as details come to hand.


1:45am update: Coach Tannin alive but speaking in tongues. Some have reported he believes he's Sarah Palin.

This poster has now learnt of the dramatic events that lead to him being hospitalised last night. Earlier in the evening it's alleged that Tannin and Wokko both Ballarat natives headed to the Ballarat RSL for what they thought was a local theatre production of Joseph and his amazing technicolour dreamcoat.

Upon arrival they were aghast to learn that this was actually a performance of Josephine Wren and his err her magical technicolour rectum.

Not wanting to hurt the feelings of old China they stayed and to there surprise thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

The show was almost complete but Josephine still had her signature act to complete the one her fans had travelled from as far as Shepparton and Snowtown to see.

This remarkable display of skill involves the expelling of ping pong balls from the sphincter at high speed aimed at pots of beer on the patrons head. This is generally done with astonishing accuracy, grace and poise but tonight something went askew.

What is known is that Wokko volunteered to be used as a target but Johns err I mean Josephines aim was off and it struck Wokko in the temple. Wokko was unharmed thanks to the tin foil hat that he never leaves home without.

However the ping pong ball ricocheted off Wokko into the open mouth of Tannin and lodged in his throat.

It was originally thought Tannin had choked on the ping ping ball causing the medical emergency but my sources tell me that JW and his magical rectum quickly sprung into action positioning themself over Tannin with JW producing an almost inhuman suction like ability and returned the ping pong ball from where it once came.

Tannin almost immediately recovered his faculties but the sight of squatting JW complete with a pierced gooch and waxed date proved to much and he fell into unconsciousness and was rushed to hospital.

Tannin is expected to make a full recovery but has decided to retire as coach of Nick's posting XXII.

We thank him for his services and wish him all the best into the future.

[swoop42]

So it is then.
Coach Tannin is no more.
For the best really as we kind of sucked these past 2 seasons.
After 2 hours of straining he has passed on the baton to me.
After much washing I've accepted it and intend to take a different approach to our former coach.
I intend to win.
To do this there will be no more favourites, no gifting games based on past glories.
If you post regularly you'll get a game, if you contribute to this thread you'll get a game, if you offer me oral pleasure you'll get a game.
Long time overlooked then let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Got a vagina and believe you've been discriminated against let me know and I'll see what I can do.
In possession of an attractive goat then let me know and I'll come right over.

I don't pretend to have the comedic talents of those who have come before me, I'm more your support act, the little fat kid on Hey Dad, the fugly ginger on Family Ties or Potsie on Happy Days.

Ah Potsie think of me as Potsie.

My point is don't expect champagne comedy just the occassional knob joke mixed with a strong will to win and sense of fairness.

It's time to get back to the basics of being a great football side and God knows I'm a basic kind of guy.

Team named later this morning.

[David]

I've seen our coach (or someone who looks a lot like him) moonlighting in the Guardian comments section. Has he been poached?

Come back Tannin, all is forgiven! I'm not ready to face the Swoopocalypse.

[John Wren]

^ you sure it wasn't the huffpost?

[Piesnchess]

WELL THATS THAT THEN. so i guess its Johnny wren as our stand in coach, yep, i nominate John wren. !

[Jezza]

Is Swoop going to appoint himself as the new coach of the team?

[stui magpie]

All hail coach Swoop.

[The Prototype]

[pietillidie]

Ah, the cruelty of mother nature. Tannin turns his back on the nest to bird watch elsewhere for five minutes, and a youthful challenger Swoops in for the kill!

[Brown26]

First it's Rudd Gillard, then Turnbull Abbott, now Tannin Swoop. All the political heavy weights of a generation, 2 knived in the back and one anused in the open snoz. I think I know how Rudd can get back as labour leader!

- Ben

[John Wren]

the words "was there no one else?!" and "scraping the bottom of the barrel" immediately leap to mind upon reading of swoop's ascension to the main coaching gig. this is not too dissimilar to barnaby joyce getting the top job with the nationals. it has to be a joke. it has to be some sort of act at the melbourne international comedy festival. don't worry about the 60% of our nicksters testing positive to illicit substances; we need to focus on who has been glue sniffing and given their imprimatur to swoop. i want names amd don't try to tell me the situation is worse at tanking carlton or bummerblitz or sinsational.

tannin, what have you done? i almost look fondly back on your reign as haphazard and disorganised as it was. better the devil you know than the one you don't.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=giybFjzH_-o

[stui magpie]

Excellent team coach, being appointed captain of this team of reprehensible reprobates is indeed an honour.

I should be fired right up and ready to rock by game time although just at the moment the mental image of JW's chocolate starfish providing.....eh....a version of mouth to mouth on the Tannic one does seem to have had a minor impact on my digestive system. I'm sure it will pass after a couple of dimmies and some pre game drinks.

Lets go boys and give these swannettes a royal plucking.

[think positive]

[watt price tully]

Tannin is busy covering:

the countryside;
the urbanside;
the seaside;
the skyside; and his favourite,
the underside.


He's been kissing too many parrots & is currently preparing for a duel to the death with someone who called a group of Magpies a Murder of Magpies.